The Note

I got a note in the mail from a friend who wrote that she would love to get together so she could learn more about faith from me since I have been through my cancer ordeal- which surely means I have much to share about growing in faith.  She would be disappointed, I think.  Because I would have to honestly tell her that my faith has been tested sorely as I have gone through this cancer episode.  I would have to hang my head and admit that there have been times that I have been angry with the Lord for making me go through all of this, and for making my family go through all of this with me. I would have to tell her that I am not the one to listen to if she wants to be encouraged in her faith...there were times I questioned if the Lord really cared.  I would have to tell her that not only did my shield of faith hang limply by my side but there were times that I thought about chucking it to the ground.  I would have to honestly tell her all of these things.  I would honestly have to tell her that this second ordeal with cancer has really tested my faith.  But after revealing these closely held secrets,  I would also be able to look at her and tell her honestly, that after all that I have been through, after a diagnosis that caused my heart to stop, after the chemo that nearly killed me, and the radiation that wore me out, after dealing with thoughts of my own mortality, and after crying buckets of tears, after questioning the Lord and getting angry and ticked off, I could honestly tell her that I have come to understand, really understand, some things...1) The Lord God is sovereign.  2) I do not and cannot, in my finite, frail condition, ever understand why the Lord allows these things to happen.  I was not meant to understand these things.  But, thankfully, I can rest in knowing that He understands the 'why' behind these things. 3) Yes, the Lord does care about me...in looking back over these past nine months, I realize that I have felt His presence often when I thought I could not go on.  I might not have seen it at the time, but I see it now looking back.  4)The Lord is in control.  I said it enough times over these months...The cancer is not in control and the doctors are not in control, the Lord is in control.  He is God and beside Him there is no other.  5) He does not work within the limits of my sense of justice.  (Thank you, Cindy, for this insight).  This took a little time to accept, but truthfully, the Lord never promised that life would be fair and He really owes me no explanation.  He is, as I said, sovereign.  He did, however, promise never to leave me or forsake me and He has not.  He tells me not to fear, ever, because He is with me...through the trials, through the times when I contemplate the future, and through the weeks of feeling rotten.. He was and He is.  He promises that He is my God, that He will strengthen me, and that he will uphold me with the right hand of His righteousness.  He is and He has... So while my faith is tested and shaken, while it was bruised and battered at times, it is still intact by the grace of God.  That is enough for me.  Thank you, Lord!